85 Days to Ultraman Mexico

Today I worked five hours landscaping, then went to the house for Tanner’s birthday. He just turned 24. I can’t believe how fast time passes. I need to make a more deliberate effort to be present in his life—and in all of my brothers’ lives.

I’ve been thinking about sending letters to Fordham and Tanner for their birthdays. I want to share with them where I was at their ages, the lessons I learned, and the wisdom I have now. More importantly, I want to give them the grace and freedom to learn from their own experiences. The mistakes I made will not be theirs, even if they appear similar. Even the word mistake feels limiting; if I use it, I will need to explain it so they don’t see their actions as failures.

I also want to share with Tanner the teachings of J. Krishnamurti. I’m considering giving him one of his books. I haven’t read any myself yet, but listening to his words and discussions, I see tremendous value. I’m still trying to grasp and internalize his message. I worry this might be a mistake—but again, the word mistake is limiting. I am listening as attentively as I know how, being present to the moment, to the words, to the experience.

I see Tanner as a person searching for truth and growth. He works incredibly hard to better himself. When we sit down and talk about life, it is enriching. He has a true interest in learning and applying what he learns, in being good, in being his best. I also know he can be hard on himself. We all share this affliction.

This desire to improve, at least for me, often comes from a place of self-rejection—a feeling that I have to earn my life, earn acceptance and love. But as long as we pursue self-betterment from rejection, we will never arrive. We only perpetuate and strengthen what we are trying to overcome.

It is said that only when we accept ourselves as we are can we truly begin to change. Yet is change even the ultimate goal? Perhaps acceptance is the only thing to aim for. But is the desire for acceptance itself a form of rejection? Belief is intertwined with doubt. Acceptance resides within us; we can embrace ourselves at any time. But must we renew this acceptance continually? Is acceptance final, permanent, or perhaps another false idol?

Perhaps observation alone is enough—to sit still and witness the self as it is. This requires neither acceptance nor rejection, as these opposites are in fact one and the same. Just as high and low depend on one another because they define each other, so too do acceptance and rejection.