93 Days to Ultraman Mexico: Coffee and Krishnamurti

Ultraman has weighed on me all year.

I signed up for Ultraman without knowing how or if it would work. No idea if I could commit to the training, figure out logistics, or even afford it. I just knew I needed to try, and as I always tell myself: “Say yes and figure it out.”

Now, just over three months from the race, with my second Ironman of the year this week, I feel that pressure more than ever. I notice it in everyday tasks. Doing the dishes feels frustrating. Showers take too long. Im absent minded while I eat. My patience is thin and my attention is scattered.

Today I experienced a shift in perspective. Over coffee this morning, I revisited the works of Jiddu Krishnamurti. As I understand him, all knowledge is rooted in the past. When we allow past knowledge to dictate present actions, we shape the future in the image of the past. I realized how deeply my past experiences shape my present and future.

That the pressure I place on myself is based on my past.

Returning to Lake Placid highlighted this: last year, I had never done an Ironman and didn’t know how to prepare. I was stressed and overwhelmed. I worried that everyone would be disappointed if I didn’t finish. This year I feel the same fear. I know I can do the distance but the makes the fear of disappointing others is even greater.

Having two full Ironman races under my belt has done nothing to diminish this fear because the fear has nothing to do with racing. It is all based on my own self conception. Having this insight does not cure it, but it does allow me to begin solving it.

This is the exact type of self exploration I love about endurance events.

In October I will do Ultraman. It doesn’t matter how ready I feel.

Looking ahead at Lake Placid, I see the difference between this event and my first Ironman. My current experience is shaped by my past ones. The course is familiar now. The energy before the swim start is no longer overwhelming.

Looking at Ultraman I see this is my one and only chance to face it with no experience. I get to attempt it for the first time and that is incredible. All the unknowns, the fear and excitement, every mistake I make. I am fortunate enough to experience them all. This is fun.

This insight has added to my perspective on training. I still have the worry and nerves, but now I wan to absorb every moment and feeling. I will never get to be here again. This is true for all of us. Right now, as I write this in my present and you read it in yours, we both have the ability to be fully present.

To experience and observe ourselves as we are and as we will never be again.