79 Days to Ultraman
07/30/25 – 79 Days to Ultraman
Sick day. I started feeling sick two days ago. Last night the fatigue was noticeable after working in the heat. Today I felt out of sorts. I slept until almost 3 PM and it was another hour before I got up and did anything. High 90s again today. I brought the trash to the dump and came straight back to the couch. It’s hard to focus on anything. My movement is lethargic.
Renee is kindly making dinner for us while I rest. I had a shower, but it didn’t improve how I feel. Hopefully tomorrow I am feeling well enough to work and train. The positive of the fatigue is that I don’t have enough energy to stress. The thoughts are still there but don’t carry the same weight: I haven’t done the work, I’m not training enough, I don’t have enough money, I am a failure, I’m getting too old to be this unsuccessful. All thoughts of the past.
I have to come back to now. I haven’t done the work to be in a position where I can negate the past. I can feel a greater awareness of the past growing. Fumbling around in the dark of my mind. Feeling there is more to these thoughts. A deeper current that carries them to the surface. This is the pathway. Trail markers. What do I hope to find? Where do I hope to arrive? At the present? In truth?
Isn’t my hope that by doing the internal work I can be my full self in the present? Be fully present by letting go of my self-idea entirely. It is a frightening proposition. How can I navigate the world without all my ideas of self and knowledge? The mind that has led me here cannot lead me out of here. A new mind, a new lens is required.
From my time with the Krishnamurti material, I think the path out is by self-reflection. Not a reflection of thinking but of perceiving. Accepting all of myself without judgment or labeling. Experiencing the self in full. Trusting the natural intelligence I have to respond to the current situation.
So far in life, all the problems I have encountered have been responded to with only one solution: More. More energy, more thought, more work, more help, more things, more systems. I look at my choices and actions, all the thoughts of life, then I keep thinking. More thoughts must be the answer. More analysis, planning, and eventually action. Action is what is required, but how do I know action is right? This is the trap. The delaying of action until I think enough. Thought desires control. Thought demands self-preservation, even at the expense of the thinker. Thought begets thought. Thought provides a false sense of security that action will work. Thought is the judgment of action. A judgment based on past, not present. Thought uses the material of the past to imagine a future. It attempts to validate all action in the present only in the context of past and future. This future is, of course, also only made of past material. This process strips the potency of action away. It places emphasis on past, not present. Life is in the present. It is not a collection of moments. It is a continuous movement. A river is never a moment. It is the flow.